A culture of Rape..

I am a rape survivor. I wear the scars of my rape, both on my skin and on my psyche, every single day. I did not report the rape. I did not attempt to bring to justice the man who took my virginity, my sense of safety, my control over my body, my ability to say what was allowed. I was scared. He knew where I lived, he told me he would hurt me again, hurt my family, if I ever told. I didn't tell. I hid the fact that I had been raped at knife point, had been cut with that knife, had bled and cried and begged.. hid it for 4 years. 

The telling was hard, it was horrible. I was not believed. Why would I hide this from anyone? I was just looking for an excuse for my behavior. After this long, why would I even bring it up? Eventually, people knew what I said was true.. but I knew in those first moments why so many survivors of rape NEVER tell. Which is why I have such huge respect, am in such awe, feel so proud of the women and girls that not only tell, but demand that their attacker be punished.

Watching CNN sigh and wring their hands over the lost potential of two rapists.. seeing a young woman vilified for standing up, the death threats, the name calling, the shaming of a victim.. but oh, those poor boys, their lives are ruined. Our daughters are more likely to be raped than they are likely to get into college, and when (not if) they are raped, our daughters will be blamed. 

These young women will be told they asked for it. They dressed too sexy, or flirted, or had some drinks, or got high, or passed out, or was already sexually active, or, or, or.. Do not believe that the rapist will have his life opened up and picked through. No one will tell him that his pattern of behavior made this happen. It will not be HIS fault. His friends will come forward with stories of the girl sleeping around. HER friends will start gossip about her being a drunk or a slut. The victim will continue to be victimized, by everyone, including the media. 

Enough. Stop it already. No one ever asks to be raped, if a woman asks for sex then it isn't rape, unless she stops asking and starts saying no. Stop attacking the victim because you are stupid, because you hate women, because you think the rapist is hot but he never talked to you in the hall, because you are jealous that the victim had prettier hair than you, because you have been brainwashed to believe that no matter what it was totally the females fault and the rapist was just a guy.. and guys can't help being rapists.

Bullshit. 

Rape isn't about sex, it isn't about the woman and what she did or didn't do. Rape is about the rapist, his need to debase another human being, his need to prove he is powerful, his need to BE a rapist. 

When will we understand? You can not 'teach' a girl how to not be raped, because there is nothing we can do to change the ONE reason women are raped. We are raped because.. we are girls, we are women, we will never be anything other than that. We must teach our boys, our men, our society how to not be a rapist. Teach that no means no, even if she said yes first. Women are not fodder for a man's base desires, we are not blow up dolls to be used and tossed away. When a female says no, then if you continue to advance, you become a rapist.. period. Men rape their wives, their girlfriends, the girl from the bar.. the second we say no, it is rape. It's simple. Teach them that no, or the inability to say yes, means that ANY sex is rape. 

The victim of a rape deserves our compassion, our sorrow.. we should mourn the loss of her potential and the effect being raped will have on her life.. the rapist is the only one (or ones) that made a choice, a rapist destroys their own life.